


Life is hard and so am I

by fuckedupasusual



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Anorexia, Apples, Eating Disorders, Feeding Kink, High School, also excessive use of the word control, dennis likes being cared for and told what to do but don't tell anybody, does this fall under, excessive use of the world apple, mac likes taking care of dennis and in other news water is wet, the author did a lot of projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-23 15:15:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17082737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckedupasusual/pseuds/fuckedupasusual
Summary: How hard can it be to eat an apple? For Dennis, it can be very hard.





	Life is hard and so am I

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for eating disordered behaviour/thinking and calorie mentioning

He couldn't have pinpointed an exact moment if he'd wanted to. A switch was flipped at some point and then it just was and continued to be.

But it had all started in his teenage years, that much he could remember.

Life had been difficult (continued being difficult way past teenage years). So many emotions that he had no control over. Circumstances and events slipped right through his fingers before he could get a good grip on them and figure out what was going on and which way was up and which was down.

At some point, his subconscious had had enough and yearned for some form of control over anything. He'd felt so lost most of the time. Lost in the world and lost in his mind and thoughts.

But food and his physique, that was something he could control and nobody else had the right to. It was like a proxy for dealing with his emotions. If he could just manage to control the way his body looked, he could control anything (at least a little bit).

He had created his own little cosmos where the only things existing were food, body and his own goddamn mind. Everything else resolved around this.

Then the thing with Mrs Klinsky happened and made it all worse and torpedoed his downward spiral.

Goddamn, whatever happened to having the upper hand.

His irritation and despair grew and so did his need for control.

He began to obsess over two aspects of his life - food and body.

He was in control. He was. In. Control.

It had all started with a skipped breakfast once and now he found himself inspecting his lunch apple, trying to figure out its weight by balancing it in his hand to estimate its calories. The calories of an apple could range from 45 to 95. That's a 50 calorie difference. 50 calories is a serving of Maggi tomato soup.

These days, calories were like an investment to him. Spend them now or later or save them up for a special occasion?

His friends started to notice at some point. Maybe the point where he would stare at an apple for 15 minutes (medium sized, better go with 95. Just to be safe).

"Dude you gonna eat that or are you just admiring it?" Mac asked, giving him a weird look.

Suddenly very self-aware, Dennis put the apple down. He wasn't in the mood for rushed decision making.

He was about to start a spiel about how it's perfectly normal to admire an apple's physique when Dee beat him to it.

"Nah, it's his thing, you know. Not eating. He has been doing it a lot, lately."

"I couldn't do it. I eat everything. Even the things people tell me not to eat, like chalk", Charlie said, shoving down a spoonful of Mac&Cheese.

"Dude, you have to eat. It's bad for your health not to. Your body needs vitamins and proteins and shit", Mac said to him.

Dennis felt his teeth gnashing. An uncomfortable feeling was growing in his gut.

"I'm perfectly able to feed my body just fine. I don't need your input on the issue of lunch apples. I'm in perfect condition. Yesterday, that I ran 5 miles on the treadmill and did a ton of sit-ups afterwards."

Why did he have to stare at this goddamn apple for so long. Why did he pick it up in the first place?  
He made a mental note to get some vitamin supplements, so he didn't have to bother eating fruit. Eating was such a chore these days...

"I don't know. You have been looking kind of pale lately, boner" Dee said, looking him up and down.

Dennis squirmed in his seat. He didn't like being the centre of attention involuntarily.

"Shut up. You're just jealous of my Kate Moss looks."

"I bet Kate Moss isn't afraid of an apple."

"I'm not afraid!" Dennis' exhaustion grew.

"The only scary thing about apples is their toxic skin. Gotta peel them first. I wouldn't bite into that either."

And Dennis couldn't have been more thankful for that unintended lifeline that Mac just threw him.

With one last look at it, Dennis tossed the apple into the trash. No lunch today, then. Suited him just fine. Dee shrugged and kept devouring her tuna sandwich. Dennis was glad the topic of eating or not eating was dropped. He didn't like talking about it. He sensed Mac's eyes on him but he pretended he didn't notice.

* * *

 

After school, he walked home with Mac just like always. He couldn't remember when exactly he had ditched his old crew for these weirdos but it had happened and it was actually nice not having to put up as much of a facade as he used to.

They walked in comfortable silence and Dennis would have preferred it stayed that way but like every so often, annoying relentless Mac had to keep nagging and prodding.

He gave him that look from earlier again.

"You look pale, man. Are you sure you are eating enough protein?"

"Yes", Dennis snapped, already exhausted having to talk about this again. "That's just my natural look"

Mac kept at it.

"I never see you eat."

"Well, you are not with me 24/7, are you. Unless you are spying on me.”

Dennis walked faster, wanting to be home already where it bothered nobody whether or not he ate. Sometimes, Dee would hit him over the head with a granola bar and commanding him to eat. But other than those rare occurrences, he was left in peace and quiet.

"We have apples at my place. I don't know why, though. I have never seen my mum touch any of them. I think the neighbours maybe left them on the doorstep or something", Mac rambled on, giving Dennis headache.

"Wanna come over? I could peel one for you. You really can't afford to eat the toxins. Your immune system is probably shit. You look like you are vanishing, dude."

"I look perfect and my immune system is great!"

Dennis gnawed at the inside of his cheek. He couldn't stand criticism regarding his appearance. He could even less stand somebody's concern for his well-being. It was such an unfamiliar sensation that he didn't know what to do with it. Not knowing what to do left him irritated and made him lash out and snap.

"I've decided. You're coming with me and you're gonna eat that apple", Mac nodded to himself.

Great, now other people made decisions for him. But if it made him drop the matter, fine. Dennis would comply. He pushed away the thought that it felt nice being cared for and that it was easier to eat when someone commanded him to and that he was really fucking hungry and relieved that Mac had taking matters into his own hands.

"Fine! If it'll make you shut up, I'll eat a damn peeled apple for you", Dennis snapped but his voice didn't sound as pissed off as he wanted it to.

"Sweet, dude!" Mac sounded over the moon and pleased, it made Dennis' insides churn.

* * *

 

The McDonald household was a filthy mess and Dennis was wondering how anybody could live like this (and how such a nasty home could produce such a sweet and beautiful and upbeat thing that was Mac but he pushed away that thought, too).

After saying hello to his apathetic mother, Mac grabbed one of the apples and a peeling knife and gestured to Dennis to follow him upstairs to his room.

Mac's room screamed ADHD from every corner but Dennis kind of liked it and thought of it as a mystery room where hidden things and secrets waited to be discovered everywhere.

He dropped down to the ground next to a wrestling mag and started rustling through the pages without really paying attention. He heard his stomach grumbled and felt his cheeks flush and rustled louder, hoping Mac hadn't heard.

Two minutes later, a peeled apple was shoved into his face and when he looked up he found Mac wearing a triumphant grin on his face.

Dennis sighed and took the apple. Why was eating such a task. He was hungry, he had food in his hand. But the actual act of putting it in his mouth, chewing and digesting, it felt insurmountable to him in that moment.

"You're doing it again", Mac said, sounding curious above all.

"Do what again?"

"Having a staring contest with an apple. It's gonna outstare you, you know. And don't wait too long to eat it, it's gonna get brown and nasty."

The situation was becoming more and more unbearable for Dennis. Suddenly he didn't feel hungry at all. His stomach begged to differ, though. It growled at him to just fucking go ahead and eat.

"Shut up." A weak comeback.

God, this wouldn't be so damn weird and uncomfortable if he wasn't the only one eating and if he wasn’t being watched while doing so like some kind of zoo animal.

"Aren't you gonna eat one?" Dennis looked up at Mac.

He shrugged. "Sure, I could eat."

And with that, he jumped back down the stairs, only to reappear a minute later with another apple. Dennis immediately felt a little less tense.

"Wanna watch TV?" Mac asked while focussing on the apple and the knife.

Dennis almost sighed with relief but managed to compose himself at the very last second. He nodded and pointedly "mhm"-ed in agreement, managing to make it sound casual.

Mac eventually sat down next to him and switched on the TV and just like that bit into his apple, watching the screen.

Dennis looked at him for a second and wondered what it was that made it so goddamn easy for him. But having no excuses left not to eat, he put the fruit to his mouth and bit into it. He tried not to think about it and to focus on the wrestling match that Mac had chosen for them to watch.

* * *

 

It became a thing for them. Their thing.

Every lunch break, Mac would peel Dennis' apple for him and passive aggressively wait for him to eat it. The others never said anything. Perhaps because they didn't notice or simply didn't care.

Sometimes, Dennis tried to refuse, snapped or yelled at him, insulted him even and said nasty things, making a scene. But other days, he would take the apple from him without saying a word and eat without protest (on good days, he even thanked him and shot him a quick soft smile).

Mac didn't understand Dennis often times but he didn't care. He always peeled the apple and Dennis always ate them (eventually).

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first sunny fic and I wrote it in one day on my phone while commuting, so eh... I hope you liked it, anyway. I projected a lot of my own experiences onto this poor bastard man, so sorry. This isn't beta read. Title stolen from the lyrics of EEL's "Novocaine for the soul". Visit me on tumblr :)


End file.
